i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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