4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
