The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
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He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
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Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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