FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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