You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
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I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
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The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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