my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
