I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
