that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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