you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
