I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
