My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
