saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
