i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
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Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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