Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
