Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
