If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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