i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
