Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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