It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
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At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
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Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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