rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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