So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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