i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
