i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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