but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
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no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
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If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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