she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
