my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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