i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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