Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
