Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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