best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just found a bag of teeth...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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