so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
