Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize