so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
