I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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