he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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