Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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