he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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