I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out