I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
