PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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