Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
