I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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