I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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