I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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