You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
