Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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