I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
