I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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