pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
