we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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