guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
