Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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