I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
