There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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