someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
