At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
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He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
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The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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