i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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