Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
