Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
