my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Randomize
